Ask the Party Expert...

For the next six weeks or so, we'll have one party or dinner after another. 
Since the holidays are heading toward us faster than Rudolph on Christmas
Eve, this week's column will cover several questions readers have asked. 
Should you clear the table while guests are talking over coffee?  Will they
feel obligated to help?  Do you accept their help or just brush it off?  What
is the proper etiquette?

Miss Manners probably has a proper way to handle these sometimes-awkward
situations. And she might not agree with my way of thinking, but here goes
nothing as they say.

I think each dinner or party has to be handled individually.  At least, this
is the way I work.  Rather than giving you a set of rules, I'm going to give
you examples instead.

Christmas dinner and several other holidays are always held at our home.  I'm
the only daughter with three boys following me.  And sometimes, their wives
are not what you would say are handy in the kitchen.  Because of this, it
would be my Mom and I doing the clean up.  For some reason, Moms feel like
they should be doing something, if their daughters are working.  Since I want
to give my Mom a break (which is the reason why I have the dinner anyway), I
stick whatever needs to be refrigerated (or else it goes bad) inside the frig
and move everyone to the family room for coffee and dessert as soon as I see
the main course is finished.  Usually, I don't even try to convert any of the
food into smaller bowls at this time.  I open, stuff, and close.  The table
and kitchen mess awaits me after everyone goes home. 

I also follow this system when we entertain for business.  My reason for
doing so is that if I start cleaning the table and dishes, then I will put
others on the spot to help.  I don't want to make anyone feel obligated. 
(Now, if this would work with my sisters-in-law, I just might.  Only
kidding.) 

When we have a party for friends as a get-together, I usually take it further
because my friend Barb will start clearing the table and loading the dishes
without me.  And yes, I do appreciate the support.   

If we're having a potluck gathering with say, my husband's softball team,
I'll package up (wrap tightly with foil and put into a bag) the guests'
dishes with any remaining leftovers for them to take home.  Other than that,
I stash whatever has to go in the frig, then leave everything else till later.

Now, as a guest, I do not follow the above advice.  I figure, if someone is
kind enough to give me a dinner that I get to eat not only hot, but also one
I didn't have to make, then the least I can do it is help.  If the hostess is
someone I'm not close to (family or friend) then I scrape the dishes, rinse,
and either stack or load in the dishwasher (depending upon the dishes and the
appliance).  Usually, I avoid putting anything into the refrigerator or
cabinets just for consideration of their privacy.  I wouldn't want to
embarrass the hostess if she had stuffed the cupboards to the brim while
trying to clean up before the party.  And I'm sure everyone can relate to
that.  :>)

Now, if your company happens to be the same holiday after holiday, and they
never return invitations, never offer to bring along a dish, and you feel as
if you're being taken advantage of, Sister, the floor's all yours.  A perfect
smile with a polite, "Would you mind handing me that empty bowl?"  Once the
guest sits down.  "Oh, my hands are slippery, could you pass the dishes?" 
She/he might get the hint.  But, then again, you might have to work your way
down to the silverware. 

Each situation calls for a personal touch.  Today, the rules have changed so
much, that there aren't any rules.  Except one and it never goes out of
style.  Common Courtesy. 

Probably the best advice is to think how you would feel in the opposite
position?  What results would you like to see or expect?  Once you have your
answer, act accordingly.

Have fun.
Mary Jo
Every Day Should Be A Party Day!

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