Choosing Your Battles
by Mia Cronan
http://MainStreetMom.com 

Children need our interest, our consistency, and our unconditional love. It's better to demonstrate these things through our own example than to spend our days blowing whistles on the one we think might be guilty.

When you are at home full-time with your children, day-in, day-out, you hear it all. Sometimes it is wonderful; you get to hear, "Mommy, I love you!" or, "You're the best cook!" However, sometimes it's not what you want to hear, such as squabbling over a toy when you know your children are in a room full of them, or something like, "Uh oh, Mom's gonna be mad at you!," meaning that any number of things might be broken. And most families seem to have at least one innocent instigator, who looks silently angelic while the other one is screaming in protest when you turn to see what's going on. 

It's important, of course, that our children learn ways to get along with each other. It starts at home and will continue to be a necessity throughout their lives, in school, in the workplace, and in their neighborhoods and communities. Getting along does not necessarily mean always giving the other person his or her way. It means learning to compromise and listen to the needs of the other person. It also means being able to effectively communicate one's needs to the other person. In doing so, we turn our attention away from ourselves and toward the greater good. 

There are many in the world who are focused on themselves solely, with little or no regard for others in their lives. This is evident when in the grocery store and a fellow customer barrels around a corner not caring who has to dash out of the way to avoid being hit by a loaded cart. We even see it in the church parking lot when a fellow worshipper speeds into a parking spot to which you were obviously headed or lays on his horn when you don't move quite quick enough for him. 

Could this kind of behavior have been prevented in the home while child-rearing was going on? More than likely. Example is the best way to show children how to demonstrate the Golden Rule to others. Likewise, the way we treat our spouses speaks volumes about how important getting along is to each of us. Our children see that, and it becomes part of them and their behavior.

What is my point with all of this? Children argue. It's a fact, and we cannot change that. However, what we can change is the frequency of the arguments and the lasting effects they have, once our kids understand the impact they have on our relationships. When our children fight over toys or chances to do fun things, it's less important to arbitrarily make the final decisions for them on who gets what and who gets to do what. It's more important to teach them how to work through it themselves. Try these things:

o Let them know what you expect. You expect them to speak in civil tones, not insult or call names, and walk away friends again. 

o Tell the kids to work out their problem right in front of you so you can see, but let them know that you're not getting involved. You might say, "I'm not going to solve this for you, because I know that you can work this out together." Then, whether you heard the resolution or not, ask them to tell you all about it, so you can share in their victory.

o If the problem escalates and nobody can be happy, don't try to mediate, punish the "more guilty," or decide who you think should go into time out, because chances are good that you don't have the full story.

o Each time an argument ensues, remind them that they are expected to work it out on their own and walk away as friends. 

There will be times when you lack the confidence that you're handling in the very best possible way, and you will be unsure of yourself. Don't stress yourself out. Remember a few things:

o You're only human, and humans make mistakes.

o Children are forgiving, especially when taught and shown forgiveness.

o No matter how much you worry that you didn't handle a situation perfectly, you are sure to have handled it better than if your small ones were left to their own devices. Knowing you are there for them when they're learning the social ropes means the world to them.

Children need our interest, our consistency, and our unconditional love. It's better to demonstrate these things through our own example than to spend our days blowing whistles on the one we think might be guilty.

Related Articles:

Reading, Writing, and Resolution
Thirty percent of American, elementary school children, bullies their classmates. That might not disturb you if your child is in the safe 70% but if your child has been the victim of a schoolyard bully or has harassed children himself, it can be very unsettling.

When Parents Can't Agree on Discipline
It would be impossible to find a set of parents who agree 100% on every facet of raising their children. As much as they say that they see eye to eye on dealing with disciplinary issues, at some point in time, an issue will come up in which the two don't see the solution the exact same way.

Dropping Out
In this past week, I saw newspaper photos of teens dressed in black for the their friend's funeral. My sister called me upon hearing a six-year-old had been shot to death by a classmate. I witnessed mothers musing "oh, they are having a Pokemon battle" when a group of three year olds slammed each other into the wall.

Building Children's Character
Character is: A belief in an absolute system of right and wrong, combined with the will to do what is right regardless of the cost.

Standing Together: A Parenting Success Story 
"There he is again, sitting in front of that Nintendo machine. 
Didn’t I just tell him to go do his homework?" said the mother, her arm on her hip, eyes glaring at the back of the father’s head. The father appeared more involved in the news program on the television but had heard every word.