Hey, Who’s the Boss, Here?
By Mia Cronan

We’ve all been in situations with our children when, out in public, we just want to crawl into a big hole in the ground, never to be seen again, right?

 Going to church became a source of complete stress for us for a while, knowing in advance that it was a gamble to take our two darling precious lambs out and expect them to sit still, not talk, not wiggle, and not squabble. Then there’s the grocery store. Picture this: You’ve got a cart LOADED with groceries, your child wants that big pink box of Gummy Goos, and you say, "No." Spectating bystanders would think you just pinched your child black and blue, based on the reaction he displays. I’ve heard several parents say that they have simply left a cart full of groceries in the middle of the aisle, grabbed the child, and walked out with a red-faced flailing child or two in their arms. And the real head-scratcher is that at one point in our lives we held responsible positions with companies that required our being in control of difficult situations, and we always managed to muster up the determination to forge forth and "handle it." So how can a little 25 pound bundle of sweetness and innocence rattle our nerves to the point that we swear off public outings for the next decade?

Here we’ve done a little research on this discipline thing and come up with several different ideas to help us all get through those three-minute moments that 1) seem to last four hours, and 2) run roughshod all over what would have been an otherwise decent day. (I’m chuckling right now as I think back on a time before I had children when I thought it was funny to ask parents, "Why do people always bring their kids to Wal Mart to spank them?" I think I now have a clearer picture of the actual dynamics behind this scenario. Simply stated, I remain humbly silent when tempted to whip out that punch line.)

So, how do we stay in control in what might be a hair-raising predicament with our little two-feet tall time bombs? Most importantly, remember that Scarlett O’Hara, even B.C. (before children), had some things figured out when she said, "Tomorrow is another day!" How easy it is to lose sight of tomorrow, though, when you’re not sure how you’ll get through the next five minutes. Anyway, below are some ideas that may serve to fortify us all when faced with these teeth-gritting moments. 

The Temper Tantrum 

We all have a temper, right? For some of us it takes longer for it to come to a rolling boil, and for others a flip of the switch will do it. But with children, it seems to spark in a mere instant. And oftentimes we know what will do it. What are some ways to control it? The child will learn in time that if you don’t react, the temper is all for naught. Calmly and gently removing the child during the tantrum to a safe place (his bedroom, car seat, playpen, or open floor) and fading away for a little while will tell the child that you won’t cave in to the outrageous behavior. Reacting in anger will only tell the child that anger is the way to deal with emotions and that he needs to be louder and more violent than you in order to win the battle. You might peek your head in periodically to let the child know you are nearby, but trying to control him or even restrain him may simply fuel the fires. In time, hopefully the child will get the idea that this tactic is worthless in getting his way, and it should stop.

I have found with my younger daughter, who is very easily bored, the more outdoor activity she gets and the less I try to limit her indoor activity, the happier she is. So I have to be the smarter one and put her in a situation where she can touch, play, climb, mangle (you get the picture) pretty much anything in her view. This requires a little child-proofing, but it’s worth it to not have to continually correct a curious child who is only trying her environment on for size. I also have to be strong and determined with her when things need to be accomplished, rather than asking things like, "Would you like to get dressed now?" Having a somewhat defiant nature, she will naturally counter with, "No." Silly me for asking! So now, we simply start dressing her with no conversation, taking control of the situation without giving her the choice. It eliminates a potential war. Limiting choices overall with a child like this can help to communicate who is the boss. Being able to choose is a neat thing for kids, but it should be done within your parameters. A small child doesn’t have the judgment to be able to walk into a shoe store and choose a pair of shoes, for example, but if offered a choice between two or three pairs that you have already tried on and determined to be suitable for him, the result is much more pleasant. 

Table Manners 

I remember as a child never getting out of my seat and running around in a restaurant because I knew that it was not permitted. Never. In other words, the option was never there, so it became natural to me that this is not done. And it was not permitted at home, either. But I see this kind of activity in restaurants all the time today, and I wonder what has caused this shift in priority? Some parents like to let their children explore and be free spirits. They don’t want to suppress natural curiosities or high levels of energy. Or maybe they feel too pooped and defeated to deal with it. But other parents would like to see their children behave nicer in restaurants and simply aren’t sure how to foster it. For those parents, here are some suggestions that we found interesting:

Start at home, teaching the child that when dinner starts, we remain at the table until everyone in the family is through eating. (This doesn’t always work with holidays and special meals, however, when the adults may linger over coffee or cordials.) Potty trips can be made right before everyone is seated in order to eliminate that excuse.

            Talk it up. Mention the idea several times before each meal, and especially before you go to a restaurant or someone’s home. Let him know exactly what is expected of him so there’s no question. You might try, "When we sit down to eat, you are to stay in your seat until we are all through eating. We don’t get up during dinner." Enough of this type of talk will let the child know what his role is ahead of time.

If it becomes an issue during the meal, remind him of your conversation. Also, let him know that if he pushes it, there will be a consequence (taking a particular toy away, no special movie that night, etc...) In time, he’ll understand his responsibility. 

Sharing 

This topic can be enough to make a mother’s hair stand on end. Why is it that two children can be amidst a sea of toys, and they absolutely MUST have the same one? Take comfort in the fact that a two-year-old has no concept yet for the feelings of others, nor does he have a sense of reciprocal play. "Parallel play" is a term I’ve heard to describe how a two-year-old interacts with others. So any premonition that your child will be a bully in the schoolyard, or worse, a kleptomaniac, are most likely unfounded. The whole adventure will become more enjoyable for everyone when the child reaches a point (usually around three-years-old) when playing with others is fun. At that point, sharing can be encouraged as fun or a game. Until that point, forcing the child to give up a treasured Happy Meal toy or scrap of bubble wrap (meanwhile, there are $100 toys from Aunt Millie lying around deserted) teaches him that being possessive and grabby is the means to survival in this world. When he is more receptive to interactive play, taking turns is a great way to teach sharing. It’s fun and mutually gratifying.

So, who’s the boss? It doesn’t take long for a child to figure out when it’s him. But the good news is, he needs to know that there is someone bigger, stronger, and stable to guide him through the maze of life. It builds security in him to know that there’s someone there to shepherd him during the times when he doesn’t have all the answers!

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