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Example is the Best Teacher
by Crystal Dupay

 If we can decide on ways of handling certain situations before they arise, we will be in much better control when one  rears its ugly head.

 When most people hear the word discipline, punishment immediately comes to mind. There is no doubt that discipline is one of the most difficult parts of parenting, but if we adjust our perspective a bit, it may help us harried parents in our dreaded occupation as disciplinarian.

The definition of the word discipline, as listed in Webster’s dictionary, is "training that develops self-control and efficiency, etc." We can all agree that these traits are ones that we want our children to possess, but what is the correct path to reaching that goal?

"Disciple" is the root word of discipline and means "pupil or follower". So if we are to discipline our children, they must follow us into acquiring the attributes of self-control and efficiency. Now, I know it can be difficult to exercise self-control when you are faced with a two year old having a tantrum in the middle of Wal-Mart or your second grader is in trouble at school for not having his homework again but some carefully considered strategies can help.

In most cases having self-control and efficiency requires us to be pro-active instead of re-active. If we can decide on ways of handling certain situations before they arise, we will be in much better control when one rears its ugly head. You cannot expect the tantrum to stop if you handle it by having a tantrum of your own. You cannot explain to your child why he should have his homework completed if he sees his parents consistently fail to meet their own obligations. Here a some strategies to help you model efficiency and self- control to your children.

Demonstrate efficiency by:

Not overextending yourself: Many women have a difficult time saying no especially when a friend asks for help. Of course there are times when you should say yes and model to your children the act of helping others. The problem begins when we take on more than we can handle and our children see that lending a hand only leads to frustration and that other, more important obligations, go unmet when we help others. Teach your children when it is appropriate to say yes and important to say no.

Setting goals for yourself and letting your children see you reach them: You can set goals for yourself even when you are home all day. Your children can even help you reach your goals in ways such as helping dust the furniture or mopping the floor. Be sure to let the children know which goals you are working toward that day and let them share in the satisfaction when the objective is met. There will be times when something more important comes up that prevents you from meeting your goals. Use this time to explain priorities to your children and why some things are more important than reaching our goals.

Demonstrate self-control by:

Deciding on the rules and punishment before the situation arises: First, tell your child why the rules must be followed and what the consequence will be if they are not. For example, tell your child before you enter the store that you will not be buying them a toy and that crying disturbs everyone else in the store and embarrasses you. Tell the child that if they start to cry that they will be taken to the car, have a toy taken away when they get home, or whatever punishment that you deem appropriate. You can even ask an older child at a neutral moment what they think would be an appropriate consequence for a particular misbehavior. You may be surprised, they usually come up with more harsh punishments than you do. Then, when they misbehave, you can enforce their own rule. How can they argue, they have already said it was fair? When you decide beforehand how you will react when certain situations arise, you can then stay in control.

Ignoring certain types of behavior: Tantrums, whining, begging and pleading can sometimes be best handled by ignoring them. Tantrums and whining will stop when there is no longer an audience. The best way to handle begging and pleading is to tell your child that the answer is "no" and that you will not discuss it further. If you continue trying to reason with the child, you have started a dialogue and they will continue in hopes that you will change your mind. Ignoring a child when they are screaming and trying to climb up your leg is not easy. If you find yourself losing control, try our third strategy.

Giving yourself a time-out if necessary: Try counting to ten or filling your mind with other thoughts while the child is relentlessly trying to convince you to give in. If you are ready to explode and you are at home, go to another room and shut the door. If you are out, take the child to the car, make sure they are safe inside and stand outside the door and take a few deep breaths until you calm down. When the storm has passed you will be proud that you kept your cool and demonstrated to your child that you cannot be worn down. 

Using these strategies can help us stay in control and have fewer outbursts that we will regret later. If you lose control, forgive yourself and ask your children to forgive you, and try again next time. While we aren’t always perfect, doing our best to exhibit self-control and efficiency will make it much easier for your children to follow you into that behavior.

 Related Articles:

The Respectful Child  Often I encounter parents who complain about their child’s lack of respect for them, only to hear them turn around and screech at the same child, “Stop it!  What is the matter with you? You’re behaving like a wild animal!”

Children on Loan "Children are not guests in our home. They have been loaned to us temporarily for the purpose of loving them and instilling a foundation of values on which their future lives will be built." Dr. James Dobson.