Raising Happier, More Obedient Teenagers
Gary and Joy Lundberg   http://www.allbetter.net

 Do these statements have a familiar ring?  "I've had it with your
attitude!" or "You're grounded!" or "If you ever talk to me like that
again you're going to regret coming to this planet!"  

They so easily slip from our tongue when dealing with teenagers who disobey us or are disrespectful.  Our goal as parents is to raise responsible children who make right choices - and it isn't easy.  However, there is a simple and very effective way if you will follow these two steps:
(1) Validate their feelings-walk beside your teenagers emotionally without trying to change their direction.

 Just listen without interrupting and do your best to understand from their point of view, not yours.  If you do this you will be surprised at how smart they become.   Validation does not change family boundaries or values.  To the contrary, it strengthens and reinforces them by opening the way for the child to express feelings about them without criticism.  It is a vitally important process for a teenager in gaining his own personal value system.  To illustrate, here is how it worked for Laura:

 My fifteen-year-old son, Robert, came in after school, slammed his books down on the kitchen counter, and slumped onto a chair, looking extremely agitated.  I simply said, "Hi, son.  What's the matter?" 
 He began to unload about his best friend.  "Jeff is so stupid!"
Refraining from saying, "Hey, that's no way to talk about your best
friend," I said, "He is?"
 "Yeah, he makes me sick.  Do you know what he's doing?"
 He was in high gear and I was not about to put the brakes on..  "No,
what?"
 "He is so dumb," he said.  "His mom starts her full-time job and the
very next day he brings his girlfriend home with him.  He's a jerk!"
 I simply responded with, "Hmmm."  On the tip of my tongue was a
discourse on the moral dangers of bringing a girlfriend home to an empty
house.  I bit my tongue.

 He went on.  "Do you have any idea what could be going on over there right now?"  He did not want an answer.  He was making a statement, so I bit harder, almost drawing blood, and let him continue.
 "He is so stupid!  He's gonna get himself in big trouble."  He went on to give a magnificent sermon, worthy of the highest pulpit, on the hazards of premarital sex, including the horrors of teen pregnancy, abortion, AIDS, and other social  diseases and ills.   I could not possibly have preached a more eloquent sermon.  And if I had, he would not have heard one word of it.  In all actuality, if I had, he likely would have defended his friend's actions.  When Robert finished I simply said, "I think you're right."

 By allowing her son to express his feelings without interruption, Robert's mother provided the opportunity for their family values to be reinforced in his own mind.  There is no doubt that a lecture from her would have stopped the whole process.

 So why do so many people lecture instead of listen?  Parents need to stop doing what doesn't work.  To make matters worse, parents who are prone to lecturing, when they see that they are not getting through, often turn to repeating themselves, or harping.  Perhaps on remote occasions some point might get through, but it is much more likely that the lecturing and harping will only be remembered by the teenager as just one more of those times when mom or dad didn't listen. 

 Often teenagers will express ideas and views that appear to be in opposition to family values.  Parent usually tense up and start defending or "selling" the family values all over again, thinking they need to make a strong case against their teens' opposing viewpoint. Don't do it.  You don't have to agree with their thinking-just listen and try to understand where they're coming from.

 In the process of speaking their minds, our youth often see the folly of their own thinking.  Even if they don't express their realization, they are likely to act upon it.  If we interrupt them with our "seasoned" point of view, they must switch into a defense mode, which only strengthens their views, however far from accurate they may be. The more we preach, the more they will feel compelled to keep defending that point of view through their actions.  Validation shows that we believe in them and their common sense. [In our next article we will talk about The Right Time to Teach.] 

 For instance, nearly every parent experiences the frustration of waiting for a teenage son or daughter to come home when it is long past the hour he or she was supposed to be there.  Some parents have a set curfew, others work with the teen and decide on a time based on the activity.  Regardless, when the time comes and they are not home, we begin to worry that they are in some kind of trouble.  Of course we worry.  We set a curfew because we know accidents or inappropriate activities are likely to happen after that hour.  When the teenager finally comes in, we are so worked up over all the thing we have imagined that we fail to validate the child. 

 So how does a parent validate in this situation? Not with an angry "Where were you?  You're grounded!"  That doesn't work, nor does it build a healthy relationship.  Keep your cool and remember that true validation is kind and caring.  How about saying, in a gentle way, "I've been worried about you.  What happened?"  Then give her time to respond, and LISTEN.  You care about this child and you want her to know it. That doesn't mean you do away with your family values or rules to appease her.  No.  That would be the opposite of caring. 

 Suppose she says, "After the game we decided to go to Jenny's house and
watch a video.  I just didn't realize it was getting so late."  You could validate by saying, "I understand you were having a good time with your friends; nevertheless, the rule is you are to be home by the agreed upon time.  Do you understand?"  She will likely answer, "Yes."  And maybe even surprise you with "I'm sorry, Mom." Continue by saying, "I'm glad you're home safe, sweetheart.  Good night." 

 The next time she goes out, make sure you both understand what time she will be home.  If she is late again you may want to try what we did with our own son.  When he didn't come home well beyond the designated hour, we decided that I would go get him.  We didn't know where his date lived.  Our mistake.  Even though it was late, we called one of his friends who gave us the approximate location.  I drove to the area, praying I would find him, and there they were-sitting in the car.  I knocked on the window and gently, but firmly, said, "Come home now, son."  He quickly took the girl to the door and followed me home.

 When we were inside he said, "How could you do that?  I'm so embarrassed."  I calmly validated and reaffirmed the rule by saying, "I understand that's embarrassing.  I hope I don't have to do it again. The rule is that you will be home by the agreed upon time.  Do you understand?"  He answered yes, and we said good night and went to bed. No grounding and no shouting.  He was rarely late after that.

 Though situations with your teenagers differ, by following these two steps of validating and setting boundaries effectively you can have a close and caring relationship with them.  They will be happier and more obedient, and your home will be a more peaceful, enjoyable place to live.

[Excerpts from "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better," subtitle:
Six Practical Principles that Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems
While Enriching Your Relationships, Viking Penguin 1999, pp. 118-141 Ch.
8: How Validation Works with Teenagers]   See the Lundbergs' Web site at
http://www.allbetter.net

Gary and Joy Lundberg, authors of the popular book on improving relationships, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better," are regular contributors to this parenting column. Gary is a marriage and family therapist in Provo, Utah, Joy is one of the writers for the Church's worldwide broadcast from Temple Square, Music and the Spoken Word, and has written over 150 songs with composer Janice Kapp Perry. They are parents of five children and have eleven grandchildren.