An amusing look at children's birthday parties

Now that my delightful offspring are aged 4 and 2, I've become quite adept at the practicalities of partying. By this, I mean coping with ice cream cakes, cookies and crying kids, not crystal champagne glasses, caviar and crudit?

I have come to the realization that the dynamics of a children s party are not governed by myself or my careful planning. It is the guests themselves who determine the success of a garrulous gathering of this nature. I am certain that without this kaleidoscopic collection of crackpots, no kiddy convention in anyone s home would be complete. See if you spot any familiar figures among this roguish rabble.

There are always the guests who arrive early. Don t be fooled, they haven t come to help you out of your frazzled frenzy! They are secretly congratulating themselves for being (what they consider) conscientious. They will follow your every footstep, telling you about their day, their life, their dramas and dilemmas (which have never been in more abundant supply than today); in return, they expect you to be in awe of the fact that despite these numerous, earth-shattering mishaps they managed to get their clan together and arrive early. They will drain you of every ounce of your already depleted energy. You will have to dodge them at every turn, for as soon as you turn around, rushing to put those last minute things on the table, they will be a hair s breath behind you. They are seemingly oblivious to the fact that you are chasing the 2-year-old celebrant around the house, or that he is clad only in a nappy (don t ask if it is clean or not!) and Barney socks, with strawberry juice dripping from what seems to be every visible orifice!

In your dazed state you will remember that you (for some reason which you will hopefully later recall) wish to record this auspicious event for posterity. So you hastily enlist the help of your closest friends to man (or wo-man) the camera and video recorder. Big mistake! On developing your pictures you will wonder whose party was being photographed. If you are lucky, there may be one or two photos of your child, but they will mainly consist of insipid images of the photographer s own darling devils! At a later date, upon offering these photos to your friend, they will respond with a sheepish Are you sure I can have them? , which will leave you thinking incredulously that you ve just forked out the small fortune it costs for film developing, so someone might as well get some enjoyment from them, (it certainly isn t going to be you!). If, however, you are not feeling in a benevolent state of mind, please by all means ask them to reimburse the money it has just cost you to enhance their budding Cindy Crawford s portfolio (no guarantees on the friendship status henceforth, if you decide to go this route!).

Similarly, your video will begin with the camera-person engaged in animated direction of the star of the show; you guessed it: their own child! Again, if luck is on your side, the birthday boy or girl, may feature as an extra; they may or may not have a speaking part. The odds are pretty good that you appear in this small-scale epic. Do not be alarmed at your fishwife-like demeanor and haggard appearance. Seek reassurance from loved ones that you were just having a particularly catastrophic day. Ignore those who insist that you are always like that! These people obviously don t have children, or have forgotten that they have children.

There are often friends who thoughtfully offer to contribute to the catering when they hear you are planning a party. I long ago gave up playing the gracious martyr and insisting that I do everything on my own. Now, when someone says, Can I bring you something? , instead of blithely replying: Of course not; just bring yourselves! , I immediately respond with Yes that would be lovely, please could your bring I remember the first time it happened. The person asking was so surprised they actually looked like they were about to blurt out: But I didn t actually mean it!

So there you are, urging everyone to help themselves to the copious quantities of cuisine, when you realize that the person with the promised peppermint-crisp pudding has not yet arrived. You frantically try to reason with yourself as to why you shouldn t happily throttle them when they eventually do grace you with their presence. Visions of car accidents, broken limbs, and emergency surgery eliminate all vestiges of logical thought from your mind. (No, that s enough now, you re meant to be thinking of a realistic reason as to why they are so late!) You re reverie is interrupted by your pudding-bearing friend calmly walking through the door, saying: We just popped in to visit someone on the way and didn t notice the time! . Your visions of mangled bodies and strangulation return, as you smile sweetly and say, through grinded teeth That s okay, you re not that late! .

The all-encompassing moment of a child s birthday party has to be the cake ceremony . All you need to do is mention to one of the attending mothers that you re going to bring the cake out, and the word is sure to spread like an infant s heat-rash on a hot day! A buzz will be heard throughout your home and garden They re doing the cake! They re doing the cake! . Hordes of expectant juveniles will converge upon the designated cake table . Not a parent will be in sight, leaving the dear youngsters with every opportunity to stick their fingers into the cake at will, scraping off icing, and removing every item of decoration before the candles have even been lit! You, of course, will come off looking like the Mental Mommy from Mars, as you snap and smack at them to leave your precious creation (child and/or cake you pick!) alone. Evidence of this will be clear in the aforementioned video (the only coverage of your family that the cameraperson managed to depict you may notice that their child is standing right next to your birthday child!). Finally the candles are lit, and re-lit, and re-lit, and re-lit. However many times this needs to occur depends on how many children blow the candles out before the birthday boy/girl gets to do it!

So, there you are, bidding a fatigued farewell to the last straggling guests and looking forward to the prospect of collapsing onto the couch with a stiff drink. But wait! What s this? You guessed it it s a latecomer! This is the person who has been partying the whole day: they had 3 parties in the morning, a lunchtime party and 2 in the afternoon, and look, aren t they clever, they managed to fit your party in as well? Of course their child is completely worn out, and would rather be having his tonsils out (without anaesthetic) than be at another party. What a lovely surprise! you exclaim, as you quickly manage to retrieve the spurious smile that made an abrupt departure at around the same time as the final (or so you thought) guest. Thankfully, this person will not stay long. They will make an unrivalled attempt to avert your attention from the fact that they forgot to bring a gift, and will spend their brief time with you relaying details of all the marvelous parties they have attended that day, prior to yours. They will finally head for their own home, making profuse apologies for their whining child.

The day would most certainly not be complete without opening the presents which your child has received. This may have occurred (depending on the age and temperament of your child) during the party, in which case you will have no idea who gave what, as your child will have eagerly ripped open each gift as it was handed to him (you were wondering why your garden was littered with shreds of gift-wrap, weren t you?). Gifts are a sure giveaway to the personality of your guests, and how they view your friendship. There will be the odious objects which are so obviously discarded gifts received by their own child. There are the callously culled sale items, which you just know were bought with the thought: I m sure I can give this to someone s kid in mind But then, there at the bottom of the pile is the redeeming feature of the whole dubious debacle: the perfect gift! This is the toy or clothing that has been given to you by that rare creature: the true friend. They have knowingly and thoughtfully bought your child something that they know will be appreciated by both you and your child. As you pack away the gifts and those, now rather forlorn looking, party decorations a sense of calm will envelope you.

After checking on your angelic, sleeping brood, all the while reminding yourself of what little miracles they truly are, you will be overwhelmed by a sense of well-being. And as you lie contentedly in your cocoon that night, you will visualize your day, thinking how fortunate you are to have such special people in your life whether they are friends or family, you know that they have shared this day with you because they are the ones who make up the sphere in which you exist. They contribute to your very core, and without them this day would have lacked some of the essence that made it what it was: something to store in the treasure chest of your memory.

E-mail Janice at janice@learn.co.za
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