Are YOU Game? 
by Linda M. Sharp

I must confess that I, like a huge portion of the obviously bored public, have taken to watching the myriad of game shows that have flooded the airwaves in the past months. Whether it is the hotseat of "Millionaire", the gritty drama of who will end up "Making The Band" or the culinary lessons in rat cookery on "Survivor," I am there each night.

I cheer, I hiss, I look down my nose that shall never entertain the scent of Rodent Ravioli, and I shake my head in amazement. Amazement at what people will actually do for money. Amazement at the popularity of what amounts to extreme voyeurism. And amazement at what the networks will put on TV. However, I would be remiss in my duties as a journalist if I did not join in and offer up some options for the new Fall Season: 

Big Mother: This show would borrow from the new series Big Brother, where many people are sequestered in a house for a long period of time, all of their actions being caught on tape. Big Mother will chronicle a summer break in any house, in any neighborhood, in the world. I mean come on, we Moms are "locked down" with our children every summer when the schools shut their doors. Expect in each episode to hear repeated whining of: "Moooo-oooom, I'm boooooorrrred." and to catch Mom in the act of "checking the Tequila bottle above the fridge." 

SURVIVOR, Family Style: Highly anticipated off shoot of the original Survivor series, Family Style will test the mettle of two extended families as they are dropped into a Holiday Inn in Toledo, Ohio. Armed with only enough change for two cans of pop from the vending machine and a package of Twinkies each, millions will be tuning in to see who gets voted out first. Will it be the meddlesome mother-in-law (definitely a burden to her tribe due to chronic hemorrhoids) or little brother (largest contribution to tribal strength being his ability to burp the alphabet)? Watch as Mom secures her position in the tribe by creating hammocks out of dental floss and serving up delicious (albeit suspicious) meals that while "tasting like chicken", have long tails hanging off the plate. 

Making The (hus)BAND : ABC has captivated the teeny bopper market with its weekly episodes chronicling a group of young men desperate to be chosen for the next boy band, "O-Town." Young girls crowd the TV sets each week to watch the boys master dance moves, overcome squabbles and croon love songs. ABC is betting it can capture the older female market with this spin-off. Tune in as a group of single men are housed together for two months in an attempt to be chosen as the next (hus)BAND. Can Gary from Toronto master the Trash Can Trot? Will Jeffrey from San Francisco get a handle on Toilet Seat Etiquette? And what about Tom and Chester? Will they be singing the Skidmark blues or jamming to the sweet sounds of Remote Control Harmony? Stay tuned... 

Who Wants To Wipe A Million Rears? : As I reported several weeks back, this show takes its format from the immensely popular "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" In Million Rears, however, contestants answer parenting questions related to poopy diapers, colic and temper tantrums. Winners receive the privilege of going forth, procreating and being confronted daily with diapers-full of their child's "final answer." 

Personally I do not aspire to be a contestant on any of the game shows currently on the airwaves. My own life provides ample challenges, thankyouverymuch. You see, each day I wake up and spin the proverbial "Wheel of Fortune," never knowing which child will be the one to put my sanity in "Jeopardy". As I run errands, I am always aware that I am someone "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," but is not, so I can only buy things if "The Price Is Right." And I am always guaranteed at least one "Family Feud" per day in which my only hope is to emerge a "Survivor."

Eat your heart out network TV ... now has anyone seen my remote? It is time to see how they cook their rats this week. Will it be poached? Fricasseed? Barbequed? 

Ooooo, perhaps a nice fondue...? 

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