Parentally Challenged…
By Jay Sauls

For those of us who have kids from the age of newborn to toddler, practically all of us know what certain sounds, cries or explosions mean.

But, unfortunately, there is the occasional new parents that we can only classify as "Parentally Challenged". These poor, poor folks are lost in the whirlwind of events that swirl continuously around you. These brave brothers and sister of the parenting community need our help. So I have concocted a little quiz for these valiant souls, who by the way are predominately men, to help them battle through the first couple of years. Note of interest to the mothers, women need not take this test. You folks came into the world already with the handbook, "Natures Tips for Effective Child Raising". Men only get the owners manual to a ‘72 Chevy Impala.

So, take the quiz, answer as honestly as possible, and tabulate your score to the guide following the quiz.

  1) When using the "Johnny Jumper" style seat, the kind that’s hangs from the bedroom door by a heavy spring, you should never:

a) Leave the child unattended

b) Bounce the child to vigorously after eating

c) Stretch the spring downward to see if you can fling the kid to your buddy across the room. This might sound like fun, but your little baby will leave the seat roughly the same speed as a champagne cork leaving the bottle.

a) Take special care to cover every inch of exposed clothing to prevent spills and stains.

b) Serve only soups or food that won’t drip of run,
c) Give in to the child’s desire for sweets and allow them to eat Milk Duds without any type of bib, whatsoever.

a) Quickly remove the child from the kitchen, re-lock the cabinets and find another way to entertain the child.
b) Try to explain that the china is very fragile and easy to break, then remove the child from the kitchen,
c) Let the child play and test the strength of a plate when smashed upon a stack of saucers.

a) Immediately change the baby, apply any medication needed, and change the child’s clothes,
b) Wait for the baby to wake up fully, play with the child a bit, then change the diaper after the child is awake,
c) Pretend you didn’t smell anything, then pass the child off to your wife. If she makes a comment about smelling anything, just use the "pollen has me all stuffed up" excuse.

a) Pack enough food ,diapers and toys for at least a twenty-four hour outing
b) Pack the bag with only the items that you think will be used during the trip.
c) Pack only enough for emergencies. Leave enough room for a couple of beers, chips, magazines and what ever else you might need if you stumble into a NASCAR race.

a) Dress the child in his/her most spectacular outfit, complete with matching socks, shoes and hat.
b) Dress the child in comfortable clothes that the child will look good in, and allow them to be comfortable.
c) Throw one of your old rock-concert tee shirts over the baby and cinch the waist with a length of tie-down strap from your motorcycle.

a) Test the water often too make sure the water is not either too hot or cold.
b) Wash the hair carefully to avoid getting any shampoo into the babies delicate eyes,
c) Disrobe the baby completely, set them down with the dogs and let the pets lick them clean.

a) Start with the basics, "mom, dad" and then work to more complex words.
b) Let the child try their own words for you, then guide them to proper enunciation,
c) Teach them by using old tapes of the Simpsons. Explain to your wife that there’s good money in doing celebrity impersonations.

a) Immediately remove the instrument from their hand and instruct them that the walls are not to be drawn on.
b) Casually move the child to the table and give them a pad and paper to express themselves.
c) Praise the child on their penmanship, then correct some of the spellings.

a) Enjoy the time that you have with them and snuggle on the couch together.
b) Enjoy the time that you have with them and snuggle on the couch together.
c) Enjoy the time that you have with them and snuggle on the couch together.

By Jay Sauls, author of "The Home Dad Chronicles"
Jay writes for Covington Daily News and has written for Parenting Today and Babies Today magazines. You can contact Jay at GAauthor@aol.com

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