Unsolved Mysteries
© Lisa Barker

What’s Furry And Smells Like Toothpaste? Answer: One of our cats.

If you guessed correctly, then I know you are the parent of at least one toddler and you have my sympathy.

It seems that young Mr. Aiden (my two-year old) discovered the toothpaste my oldest daughter, Rachel, keeps in her backpack to clean her teeth at school.

Well, maybe he thought it was hair gel. He and the cat had spiky, blue, minty-fresh hair.

They just don't prepare you for these things when you're about to become a mom. They never tell you that the VCR will hold exactly one toddler-sized fistful of Cheerios or that a banana can be mashed through a window screen.

Now don’t get me wrong. I supervise my children, but they’re good at sneaking under the radar. How do they do that? By doing things I’d never dream of in a million years.

Did you know dog food floats? And did you know that when an entire bag is poured into the dog’s water dish that it swells up four times its size?

Did you know that peanut butter in a pillowcase looks suspiciously like something else? Have you ever seen a white cat with Crayola Marker stripes? And can you guess how many marbles it takes to stop up a toilet?

If they can make diapers that dissolve, why can’t they make crayons that dissolve – like in the washer BEFORE they go into the dryer?

Why can’t they make perfume, baby powder, flour and vegetable oil with child safety caps? Why can’t they make kitchen chairs with pressure sensors you can set so that when you step into the other room to plunge the marbles out of the toilet, you know when your little one is attempting to build a sophisticated ladder in the kitchen to get the cookies on top of the refrigerator.

Why can’t my husband find the permanent black marker in the top drawer, but my toddler can? Can’t they make postage stamps that don’t stick to anything but envelopes? 

I’m not complaining. In saner moments I can reflect on these incidents and see not just the humor, but the intelligence my little ones possess. And then I have to ask, “Why can’t God create children with time delay intelligence, so that they don’t amp up until they enter kindergarten?” I mean, that’s what the teacher is trained for, isn’t it?

I’d love to spend my parenting energy guiding my children and encouraging their latent talents, but I don’t have time! The Alphabet Song and counting have been replaced by the need for me to sleuth and figure out just why the cat has tartar control hair.

I went to college for this?