Surviving the Last First Day of School
By Cheryl Gochnauer

My mixed-up emotions are tumbling over each other as I purchase kindergarten things for the last time, clutching a well-read elementary school supply list.

My five-year-old's eyes shine as she moves down the aisle, shopping basket
in hand. "Tweety pencils! Mommy, can I have those, please?" Carrie stretches up and points at a colorful pack hanging above her head. Plucking them from the hook, I add the No. 2's to her growing pile of school supplies.

She's delighted, and I'm depressed. No, not depressed...nostalgic. No, not
nostalgic...well, I don't know what I am. My mixed-up emotions are tumbling
over each other as I purchase kindergarten things for the last time, clutching a well-read elementary school supply list.

The first time I bought special pencils was almost five years ago, when Carrie's big sister, Karen, started school. She had the same excited glow as we moved up and down the aisle, picking out packs of construction paper and selecting just the right lunchbox.

Now Karen advises her little sister, and they move ahead of me down the row, checking out all the glittering new paints and glues, bright rulers and scissors. They're moving away, farther and farther, then disappear around the corner. My babies are gone.

Oh, stop it! I mentally slap myself for being such a weenie. What? You want them to stay home your whole life? Get a grip! Growing up is good. 

I'll be okay once she's actually getting on the bus everyday, grinning and waving as the yellow tank rattles and grinds its gears on down the block. It might actually be nice to have some breathing time to myself, running errands without a stroller or a kleptomaniac grabbing goodies off shelves. 

Yes, this could be good.

I'm not unique, and the emotions I'm feeling aren't limited to mothers whose babies are starting kindergarten. As I talk with friends, they give me a peek at a future they're already living. In a couple of years, I'll be sitting in an auditorium, watching my eldest girl's elementary graduation ceremony as she makes the transition to junior high. Then before I know it, we'll be picking out a second-hand car and she'll be off to college.

Man. Bob Carlisle's "Butterfly Kisses" is sing-songing its way through my head right now. I'm gonna be a mess!

But I can't hold onto these downer emotions when I see the anticipation shining in my daughters' eyes. The kids yearn to cross those thresholds and break another boundary.

I'll have to learn to adjust. To let them run ahead of me, but not away from me. To change the way I relate to them without assuming there'll come a day when I can't relate at all. I love them too much to let go and too much to hold on. Where's the balance?

Experts say it over and over, and I believe it is true. The secret lies in communication between parent and child. Now that Carrie's starting kindergarten, I need to step up my involvement in school, both with her and with fifth-grader Karen. That means never missing a milestone, if it is within my power to be there. More dependable than the mailman, no rain, hail, sleet or snow will keep me away.

No boss, deadline, or work presentation will take precedence over my children's heartheld events. The "student of the week" spotlight...the choir solo...the spelling bee competition...all mean the world to them, and so should also be precious to me.

I'm not talking about paper awards here. When my children see me smiling in the crowd or across the classroom, they know they have scored high marks with their mom no matter how they perform before their peers. What a confidence-builder for the child and for the parent.

Snoopy's on Carrie's backpack now instead of her nightlight. He's evolving, adapting to a different, but still important, role in this little girl's world. I guess I'll have to adapt, too.

So go ahead and get on that bus, Little One. You're not riding off into the sunset, just into the schoolyard. I won't be far behind. You can count on me to  keep you in sight and in my heart.

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